Dear Ranches,
August 10th, 2010 1:51am by anonymous
I hate you. With every ounce of my being.
Who the hell are you to expect to have the entire downstairs bathroom to yourself, when there are only two bathrooms in the entire house and 5 people living in it? Thanks for storing your dishes on the dish rack on the sink, instead of actually putting them in a cabinet like normal people do. Also, thanks for taking over the downstairs in general, but leaving a dirty mess because you don’t know how to clean. B-L-E-A-C-H, that’s a cleaning agent. It’s known for making things white. You might want to try it on your face sometime; I know how you hate getting tan.
Your outfits are so cute. Maybe next time you decide to wear those 3 inch platform flip flops, you should remember that you are still 4′8", and legally considered a midget even after you put those shoes on. I’ll teach you another word – "practical." I suppose you don’t even know what that means, but if I may, I’ll provide you an example. "It is NOT practical to wear flowery high heeled clogs (they were wooden, you idiot) to walk a mile and a half to Goodwill.
Your car also sucks. It would have been a nice Beetle, but somehow you managed to screw that up, too. You know you can just take the thing to a mechanic and he’ll install a new back window for you, right? Instead of taping a black garbage bag on it…that might be smarter.
And finally, you have the biggest communication issues I have ever encountered in anyone, even the legally incompetant, and certainly worse than that creepy kid in high school who we found biting his toenails in the boys locker room. I have no idea how you think you are going to survive as a lawyer, much less become one. The only bar you should be worried about is one that might be smacking you in the face, when your future clients realize they hired a shithead to represent them. Corporate law? Really? The only corporations that would consider hiring you would be in the optical industry, but they really only want to experiment on you to see if anything can make you squint less.
And also, I hate your fucking homemade face masks. I’d smear shit on my face before I would try that nasty face cream. And I never wanted to go on that stupid camping trip with you, anyway. And when you said that you could find somewhere else to live if we couldn’t be quiet AFTER 10PM, I really wish you would have moved out. Like, tomorrow. You’ve got the biggest room in the house, a free parking spot and you leave your clothes on the line outside even when we’re all waiting to do our laundry. Thanks – you are too considerate.
Your bathroom is disgusting anyway. I would rather have anal intercourse with a skunk than use your toilet. You filthy. piece. of. shit.
Fuck you.